I Want To Be A Failure

I want to be a failure.

I want to fail because I am terrified of what will happen when I do.

I am terrified to move across the country, away from my family and my comfort, just to “try it out.”

I am terrified to leave my home and my parents. I am scared to think of a day where my dad won’t be outside my door to tell me goodnight or my mom won’t be waiting up to talk with me when I get home late.

I am terrified that no school will take me, that I am not researching credentials and teaching certificates enough to get all the information I need. And I am afraid that if I don’t have all the answers, every little detail figured out before I step foot in my new ‘home,’ then I will fail. No matter what.

I have been putting off writing anything on my blog because apparently anxiety and depression is a thing that really takes a long time to shake. I’ve been putting off writing about this so called fearless adventure because I am worn out. I am worn out because my prayers, my plans, my life’s playbook is no where near where I thought it would be.

Yes to some, moving to California sounds like a dream, a fresh start that everybody wouldn’t dare turn down. But for me, California is a gracious fresh start handed to me during a very broken season. Yes I have always want to move out of state, but guys my plan as of 6 months ago was a teaching job in Chicago and an engagement ring. And now I sit here, struggling to know who I am, who the heck God is and the reason for this really confusing and frustrating season. I sit here dreaming of California but also healing from the plans that, to me, took a turn for the worst.

But then I also sit here praising His name because I get to live with an amazing women of Chris who is one of my best friends, in a crazy beautiful state. I sit here shaking my head because no school debt, a growing savings account and incredibly supportive parents are blessings I don’t deserve. I sit here taking a deep breath because once again, God’s plan turns out way way better than my own. Yes, I still struggle with why my plan didn’t work best, but I am sitting in so much peace knowing that God is working.

He is working in the mess. He is working in the failure, in the tears, and in all the confusion.

Heck yes I am scared to fail, but I am even more ready for my Heavenly Father to catch me when I fall. Because He always does, and man is His plan always better.

See you soon,

Stephanie Lynn