A few days ago I was thinking “dude you blog more about local places and your outfits than you do Jesus and that is what your blog is supposed to be all about.”
This is very true and kinda frustrating, so I just want to set things straight, for my sanity and maybe others of you who are wondering why I haven’t posted a lot (which is probably none of you..but still <3).
I haven’t posted because I don’t know what to say. My spiritual walk is really confusing me, and doubts have been rolling in left and right. It’s frustrating because these doubts are real, true, life changing doubts. Doubts that are causing me to question things I have never, ever doubted before. I am doubting my purpose, if God is even real, and what that means for me- And when I have completely surrendered my life to The Lord and wholeheartedly leaned on Him and His calling ever since I gave my life to Him, questions like these shake my whole world. They shake my daily life, my getting up in the morning to laying my head down to sleep. They shake my reasoning for going to California, and my reasoning for wanting to be a teacher. They shake my whole being because the thing is, without God, my life is literally nothing.
And that scares the hell out of me.
Seriously, the thought of not believing in Jesus and sitting in His grace every morning and every night shakes me to the core. All I can remember of my life is deciding to follow Christ, whatever that meant and wherever that took me. I chose my college, my career, my life goals because of Jesus. I used to fall to my knees in surrender, in complete and total brokenness knowing that He was catching me when I fell. I used to pray knowing that prayer could and would change anything because my God is bigger. My foundation, my life, my focus was Jesus.
But here I am, literally forcing tears to my eyes because I just want to believe again. This may make no sense to any of you, but I have been sitting in this mess the last 3 months, and slowly but surely feeling like I am moving closer and farther away to shaking this doubt all at the same time. I have prayed time and time again: take me back to Prague, to where I knew You, throw me back into the worst time of my life because I knew I had You. I would do anything, say anything, give anything if I could have the belief and faith I had 5 months ago.
And that is what is so beautiful about this whole thing. Every time I am in a dry, gross, confusing or weary season (which is like 75% of the time), I am scrambling to figure out what The Lord is trying to teach my through it all. So of course I have thought of the outcome many-a-times over the past 3 months, and what I have come up with is pretty dang brilliant (because it is God’s doing, not mine): I am learning to only want God- totally, completely, wholeheartedly, fully, and any other adjective in between. I am seeing what it feels like, what a true desire of Him feels like, and I think that the only way He could get me to completely surrender myself and be content with Him was for Him to lead me through this gross but beautiful season. Cause believe me, I thought I knew it all. I thought I figured Him out, thought I loved Him enough, thought I understood His love and His power, and I can see him now, stepping back and saying, “I want you to know me, my daughter. I don’t want you to just feel me, I want you to know me.“
Cause that’s the thing: I’m a super emotional and spiritual person, which is SO great when it comes to feeling The Lord and His presence, but it stinks when people ask me why or how I believe. I could only explain that it was just something I felt, that I just knew He was real. And now, that feeling, that faith, is being challenged.
Now I don’t know what to say. Now I don’t know why I believe. I can look at the past few months and say without a shadow of a doubt say that God’s hand has been leading me through it all. I can say that He was with me because I felt it, I believed it, I knew it.
But now I don’t- and that is what is so beautiful in this. It is beautiful because no matter what, I am clinging to trusting even though I seriously have no idea what is going on in my head. Believe me, the fear that He is leaving me has crossed my mind more than once, but from what I know, from what I’ve read, He never leaves our side. If He is real, the Spirit is in me, speaking through me, changing me from the inside out. If He is who He says He is, He is faithful and He is so so good.
If He is real, like I know He is no matter what my doubts tell me, He will reveal Himself when the timing is His. And the more I think about it, when this season comes to a close, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I want to go deeper with Jesus, feel His grace and love deeper, love Him and His people deeper, and believe in His power and Word deeper.
(sorry about using the word deeper so many times- it’s a weird word when you say it over and over again.)
So the truth about believing in Jesus? It isn’t always easy. It isn’t always praising and trusting, and writing heart-warming blogs about how we can always lean on Jesus. The truth about believing in Jesus is that faith is truly believing even when you can’t see, and that He will take you through tough seasons so you can know Him that much better.
So the truth about believing in Jesus? The truth is, it is so dang worth it. Even in the mess.
See ya soon,