I’m a weirdly vulnerable & honest person. So I want to share 10 honest things about me.
Here we go.
One: I struggle a whole lot with pride.
Two: And judging everything and everyone.
Three: which then stems a whole lot of selfish actions & conceited comments.
Four: which then leads to lots of guilt and shame that make closure & receiving grace that much harder.
Five: I am horrible at sharing things.
Six: I am a right & wrong person. Which then leads to my pride stepping in, judgmental thoughts taking over and shame hitting my heart real hard.
Seven: I love deeply.
Eight: Which means I can easily get possessive over things that I hold dear.
Nine: I can’t seem to break any kind of rule, & I get real upset when people are loud when I am watching a new show or movie.
Ten: And because my mind races with judgement and prideful and selfish thoughts, I struggle to understand why anyone would care 0r love someone who is as horrible as me.
Now PLEASE don’t freak when reading this. No I don’t sit and wallow over where I fall short or what I stink at. The only reason I am sharing these things with you is because once I knew these truths about myself, once I knew that my deepest fear is to be unwanted, and that my deepest desire is to be loved and to be a good person, once I understood that, I became a better version of myself. I finally started to see myself as Christ sees me, as others see me, and how I should view others, as well.
How did I get to this point? Well, I found my number.
I’m a One with a Two wing.
Which means my personality is mainly in the One category with a little or a whole lot of Two spilling in.
Let me explain a little bit about “Ones” and “Twos” and maybe this will make a little more sense to you.
Twos are The Helpers. They are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.
When I took the Enneagram Personality test and was given this number, I read this and I nodded my head thinking, “Yeah that sounds a whole lot like me.”
Then I read the Ones, my second highest number.
Ones are Reformers. They are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.
Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.
Now that sounds even more like me.
After intense research and studying, I found out that I was a One with a Two wing. Meaning after talking to lots of people and lots of thinking and talking to myself, I realized I was less of a helper and a lot more of a perfectionist.
So the whole point of this post is this: take the quiz.
Take the quiz, find your number, make a list of the 10 honest things about yourself like I did, and breathe in the fact that someone, something (even if it is just a bunch of researchers who created a free test of 36 questions or a $12 test that I have no idea how many questions are on because I’m a cheapo), someone understands how you feel. Someone understands how you think, what you struggle with, what you fear, and what you desire.
Even if it is just a personality test with a few paragraphs maybe describing you or maybe not really describing you at all, it’s still a starting pointing. A starting point for understanding who you are, why you may think the way you think, why you feel so deeply or why you overthink that short text or that one situation.
It’s weird and absurd, but this test helped me understand that- I am who I am.
It helped me see that I am who God intended me to be- so I am going to be that person.
I am going to be too motivated and love too deeply. I am going to be okay with the fact that I am organized and pay way too much attention to detail.
I am who I am, and I want to be the best person I can be- the best person that He created me to be.
So I’m truly so sorry for thinking I am too cool for school at times, and for being judgmental and conceited in my thoughts and in my writings at times. I am sorry because those parts of me are my broken parts. They are my sucky parts, but I have a Father who is bigger and better. A Father who wants the best for me, who loves me even in my darkest days. A Father who cared enough to send His son to wash me of those imperfections to make me white as snow.
I have a Father who gives way too much grace for me to handle and loves me more in a second than anyone in this world can in their entire lifetime.
All to say- love who you are and don’t be afraid to be you. Because He did that all for you too. And He made you just the way you are.
We all are broken and scarred. We all fall short of His glory.
So be you and soak Him in every day of your life. Cause He is the only thing that really matters.
See ya soon,
Oh, and P.s. here’s the link to take the quiz that this whole post is written about anyway. The site is being redone- so maybe read the descriptions of the numbers while you wait if ya want<3