About a month ago I had this great idea of backing up my past post, How to be Single, a Christian, & a College Graduate – All At The Same Time. Backing it up meaning- sharing with you all that the fear of being single goes away. That when people tell you it is all going to be alright, it will be. That they aren’t lying. The hurt, the fear- it will disappear, you just have to give it time.
Well- it’s all true. The fear of being single the rest of your life, the lie that life could never be better without him/her, those will go away, I promise. Because they have gone away for me. And what has replaced that fear is the peace knowing that I don’t need a guy to fill the void. What has replaced that lie of never finding anyone better has now turned into- He has someone better, something better. He is better.
About a month ago I was stoked to share with you all that my heart has finally healed, that moving to California has really put my mind at ease and the hurt that my plan didn’t work out has finally subsided.
But in all honesty- life has twists and turns, highs and lows, and satan really loves to pull you back down once you’ve found your way back up.
All to say, I have just felt a huge weight in that people may see my move as ‘life is so good for her, she’s going to find that perfect guy she’s been looking for, a Cali guy, and living in California is so glamorous.’ Mostly because that is the way my mind works.
Yes California is beautiful, and no I really don’t hate the idea of meeting someone while I am living out here, but I am someone who wants to give the truth, even when it hurts, and the truth is, I am still healing. I am still hurting. And the memories of my past relationship still linger even when I am thousands of miles away from where it all began.
Uh- I truly don’t want to be a debbie downer, but I want you to know that you are no alone. That just because I write a blog, that I moved to the ‘golden state’ and that I took the leap and moved away from all I knew, just because I did that does not mean that my life is so much better than anyone else’s.
What my Instagram and blog doesn’t tell you is that it took 2 extra hours for me to get my fingerprints, for the third time, on Tuesday because California does things a lot differently than Illinois. It doesn’t tell you that while sitting in my new employee orientation the other day, I was SO completely terrified and confused when the presenters starting talking about credit and retirement and credentials.
What my social media doesn’t tell you is that I am a 22 year old who just moved to a whole different part of the world. That I am a new-bee teacher scared out of my mind that I’ve forgotten all that I learned in college. And that I feel like a high school freshman who wants so badly to let go of my past and my plans that didn’t happen but can’t because I truly just want to find someone who loves Jesus and loves me.
What Instagram doesn’t tell you is that yes all I want is Jesus, and yes He has truly shown me what it looks like to be pursued, what it feels like to be adored, but those are highs that are quickly followed by the lows- because I am still broken, still healing, still so in need of a Savior- even when I move across the country and start a ‘new life.’
[ the good thing about my dad taking random pictures is that he captures the rawness of our trip- the real parts, like where I started crying when walking up to the Grand Canyon and thinking about how real my move to California truly was/is ]
So there is my ‘backing up’ of my last few posts about single life and the fear of the unknown. That yes the fear and the worry that you won’t be good enough or pretty enough, that you won’t find someone who will love you for you, that will go away. I promise, I promise.
But also know that it is okay to still be healing. It is okay that His time is a little longer than yours. And that when it feels like you are backsliding or falling back into the fear again, that you are not alone. We all do it. But what makes those moments better is the peace and trust knowing that He is all we need.
He’s got you. Trust Him.
See ya soon,