I used to brush off anything that mentioned women not feeling enough or worth it, loved or valued.
I used to get frustrated with so many articles being written, so many posts created, telling women: YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
It frustrated me because women should know that. Women should feel loved. Women should always be enough. All women should feel beautiful and perfect in His sight. Pant size doesn’t matter, stretch marks and wrinkles are a sign of a joyful aging, and men aren’t always bad.
See I brushed it off because I have been blessed to know that I am enough. I was raised in a home that did nothing but love and support me.
I had no problem approaching the Throne of God with the knowledge that I was loved and valued because I had a father who loved me better and stronger every day.
I used to, but now here I am, writing my own post about not feeling worth the fight.
Because we all feel it, but we feel it in different ways. We may be crippled and have no idea until someone shares their story of failure or rejection. Our hearts may be shattered into pieces, not ever seeming like they will ever come together again, until someone shares their story of brokenness and redemption.
So here is my story.
For 6 months now I have been praying for my future husband, whether he is part of His plan or not. I started a prayer card just for him, and the word that stuck out in almost every sentence was the word “pursue.” I want to be pursued; I want to be chosen. But not the “you’re cute lets date” pursuit, but a godly, loving, caring pursuit. I want whoever the Lord placed as my husband to be a man that pursued my heart like the Lord pursues mine. I want a man to pursue me like he pursues the Lord and his faith. All I want is a guy who points me right back to Jesus in his words and actions.
Well what I didn’t realize was that I wanted that because I didn’t have that before. Yes, I had a man who loved The Lord and who said he wanted to spend forever with me. But when push came to shove, I wasn’t chosen. I wasn’t pursued, and I left that relationship broken and warped in my thinking that I wasn’t worth the pursuit.
But I didn’t know that.
I knew I stunk at receiving love, but I didn’t know that I had settled for a love that wasn’t from The Lord. I didn’t realize that The Lord was trying so hard to bring me out of the shadows and into His love and constant pursuit. I didn’t realize that I was the only one fighting, the only one pursuing, the only one choosing.
Until 3 weeks ago.
Now no names needed, just the Lord loving me so well that up until today, my heart was receiving, it was being filled, and then, it just stopped.
It stopped filling because I told it to.
I stopped receiving His love because heck, why am I am even being pursued? How can someone want to talk to me? How can someone choose me? I wasn’t chosen before, so why this time? Why now?
No, I am not dating this guy. No, in no way shape or form am I proclaiming that ‘I have found the one in whom my soul loves.’
All I am saying is that after knowing this man for 12 minutes in person (8 minutes dancing, 4 minutes talking), he has pushed me to my “limit” of love and pursuit in just 2 short weeks. In just 15 days he has shown me how The Lord pursues me and loves me without even knowing it. This guy pursues me by telling me that he wants to visit from 4 hours away, after knowing me for only 3 days. He chooses me by sending way too many texts while I am at the movie theatre because he knows how much I would love it. He chooses me even with the frustrating Illinois/Indiana time change.
And then today I started feeling overwhelmed and anxious. What I realized was that my heart was aching because the pursuit was just too much. Because the attention, the love, the ‘choosing’ was too much for my heart and head to handle.
But then God stepped in and pushed my fear aside.
He stepped in and said, “This is what I want for you, this is what you deserve, this is how you should always feel.”
I should always feel loved, I should always feel enough, whole, and perfect. I should because of my Heavenly Father. I shouldn’t have to rely on a man to fill that void, I shouldn’t have to be ‘in a relationship’ to feel wanted and loved. And in all honesty, I never wanted to be in a relationship. I didn’t want to 3 weeks ago and the fear is still lingering right this very minute.
But God does sneaky stuff like that. He gives you what you desire, desires He gave you, because He loves you. He gives you what you so desperately hoped and prayed for because He wants the best for you. He is always listening, always moving, always pursuing, even when you doubt. Even when you turn away. Even when you can’t feel Him.
No, I am not saying things are all perfect or that he’s “the one,” not at all actually. All I am doing is sharing my story of brokenness to complete restoration, restoration and peace only found in Him.
Yes, this mysterious guy is cute, and so goofy and kind, but I am not looking at him to fulfill what I have lost.
No, I am looking at him because he leads me to Him.
And that is what I prayed for.
See ya soon,