Bone-weary

Being in college is busy. It is hectic, overwhelming, stressful- moving at a fast pace all the time. And that kind of busyness can kill us. For me, it fills me. It takes over my being- my heart is always beating fast, my thoughts never stop, and sleep seems nonexistent, even when I wake up. My problem with this?

Because of my busyness, I push my time with God to the bear minimum- right before I fall asleep. My problem with this is that I am letting my stress, my busy life, consume me. I tell myself that I am taking time to rest, that I am take time out of my day for The Lord, but when I look in the mirror, my eyes can’t even focus on my reflection because they are so tired. I get up and go to practicum and I can barely focus on the students that are there, and they are the reason I want to be there in the first place. My mind can barely focus on one task before it starts to move to the next one on the list. And as I sit here, honestly with tears streaming down my face, I am ashamed of myself. By letting myself be consumed by the stresses of schools, relationships, and just life, I’ve realized that I have been drawing out energy from myself, a very shallow pond of energy, instead of from The Lord and His everlasting stream of strength.

So, today is a Monday, the Monday after the longest, most stressful, tiresome week that I have had in a very long time, and  my shallow pond of energy has run dry. I am tired. I am worn out. I am overwhelmed by future tasks. And The Lord knew that. He knew that my energy had run out, and He was just waiting for me to turn around and realize that He has been waiting for me to give Him my burdens for quite some time now. And before I left this morning for my 4th day of practicum, I read this devotion from Jesus Calling:

Trust me enough to spend ample time with Me, pushing back the demands of the day. Refuse to feel guilty about something that is so pleasing to Me, the King of the universe. Because I am omnipotent, I am able to bend time and events in your favor. You will find that you can accomplish more in less time after you have given yourself to Me in rich communion. Also, as you align yourself with My perspective, you can sort out what is important and what is not.

Don’t fall into the trap of being constantly on the go. Many, many things people do in My Name have no value in My kingdom. To avoid doing meaningless works, stay in continual communication with Me.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with  My eye upon you.    [[ Psalm 32:8 ]]

And thats it. For the past week and a half I felt that I had been resting in Him and I hadn’t been. The reason I have been so stressed is because I have not been leaning on Him. I have not made time for Him in my busy day. Instead, I had been leaning on myself, slowly wearing down to almost nothing. But if I would have just leaned on Him, on His strength and His promise, my burden would be much lighter.

The Lord desires to spend time with His children, and by His power and strength He can bend time and events in our favor. If I turn to The Lord first, my day looks incredibly different. It is clear, quiet, and stress free because I am allowing Him to lead me, instead of me leading myself.

So I am taking a breath, breathing Him in with each breath. I am taking life one step, one moment at a time, holding on to God’s hand, letting Him guide me through this path that He has chosen for me. I’ve let my battle against this world take over me instead of resting in His embrace.

But not anymore- I choose to rest in Him.

“Our hearts are restless, until they can find rest in you, oh God.” – St. Augustine

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